As much as we at The NYRD love movies, even we have to admit they get a little old every now and then. When we were growing up movies used to astound us and bring us to new places. Now it seems like all we get are the same old things wrapped in a new packaging, and sometimes even that has been recycled from the Hollywood landfill of the past decade. We are not experts in the movies, but we are avid fans. We do not have any insider information, but if we had to take a guess, we would say that you should expect to see these following movies -or ones very much like them- coming soon to a theater near you…
Tagline: Four in a Row… and Live!
Synopsis: Four Teenagers set out on the road trip of their lives, making a cross country journey filled with partying and scenes of a sexually suggestive nature, but all is not as it seems. When three really white kids and their one token black friend discover an abandoned toy factory they soon come face to face with a man known only as a the Toy Maker, and he wants to play a game… of life and death. Now each of the four young and ridiculously good-looking teenagers must struggle to stay alive while connecting the pieces to the mystery behind their terrifying tormentor. Not everyone will survive the night, but those that do will have to figure out how to… connect four.
Starring: Paul Wesley, Grey Damon, Trey Songz, Chelsea Kane, and Haley Joel Osment as the Toy Maker
Tagline: No One Saw This Coming
Synopsis: How many times can the world end? Well producers Roland Emmerich and John Cusak intend to answer that in this dramatic sequel to the “commercially successful” movie, 2012. We thought the worst was over. We thought humanity had suffered enough, but we were wrong. The Mayan Prophecy had only just begun to wreak its havoc on the last remaining humans of planet Earth. Now four years later, the survivors find themselves in a desperate struggle to outlast the next onslaught in this terrifying vision of the future… Alien invasion, demonic hordes, zombie uprisings, and every single type of disaster that our team of 12-year old writers could come up with is about to come crashing down on the last vestiges of humanity… If only the Mayans had been more specific.
Starring: John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Danny Glover, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Oliver Platt, and Andre 3000 as Jesus Christ
Tagline: Friendship Comes in All Shapes and Sizes.
Synopsis: Troy was just an ordinary teenager with ordinary problems, homework, bullies, and that special kind of unrequited love that you can only get in fictitious movies. Now with the impending divorce of his parents, Troy will need some help navigating the weighty and world-crushing concerns of high school, and that is exactly what he is about to get. Trinalin was a troll of Trollworld, with wild pink hair and an even wilder desire for adventure, but when his world becomes threatened by the evil of the wizard Magolith, he must go looking for help. Now this young troll will embark on an adventure to our world where he will find more than he is looking for. Prepare yourselves for an unlikely friendship, a heart-warming story, and more CGI than a George Lucas wet dream. Will this be a heart warming movie for the ages, or just a quick nostalgia cash grab? We can’t say, but you had best get ready to be trolled!
Starring: Dylan O’Brien, Shailene Woodley, and Seth McFarlene as Trinalin Pink
Tagline: How Long Can a Man Stretch Before he Breaks?
Synopsis: As a child, Randolph “Ralph” Dibney was fascinated with contortionists and body-benders. As an adult he became a leading chemist and created a serum he dubbed, “Gringold.” Now whenever Dibney takes his chemical concoction he transforms into Elongated Man, the elastic hero. Unfortunately, his dreams are soon shattered and Ralph’s beloved wife, Susan, is left dead on the floor. Now mustering all his courage and power the Elongated Man must track down those responsible and rehash every edgy/dark cliche that the superhero genre can throw at the audience. There will be violence, there will be blood, and there will be absolutely no jokes. Criminals are going to learn that no one can outrun the elongated arm of justice.
Starring: Jeremy Piven; Katy Perry, Jonah Hill, and Michael Emerson as Dr. Arthur Light
Tagline: Sometimes All the Pieces Just Fall into Place
Synopsis: Edward Mayard is a construction worker who has lost touch with his son, Johnny, following the death of his beloved wife. Adam Sandler stars as Adam Sandler pretending to be a down on his luck character struggling to pay the bills. A single parent, Edward is on the verge of losing hope until a strange old man offers him a job on his farm constructing an impossible wall made of irregular pieces. There are mysteries to be discovered, half-hearted wonders to be found, cliched tropes to be rediscovered, and some fart jokes. Sandler’s character will soon find out that he is building more than a wall, as he and his son heal the past and begin constructing a brighter future together. So this summer, come see another attempt by the veteran actor to get the studio to pay for his another vacation… Also did we mention it’s about Tetris. Remember when Tetris was a thing?… Tetris…
Starring: Adam Sandler, Jake Goldberg, and Ian McKellen as Old Man Sterns
Movies for Dummies
Tagline: A Movie for the Rest of Us!
Synopsis: Philip Yodelman was kind of a screw up. He could just never seem to get anything right, his career, his relationships, but particularly Windows 97, until he met Margaret. An IT expert who came into his life to try and explain to him what it means to right-click… together, but how will he ever win her heart? It will take the help of his cool and hip African American friend, Albert, and an array of unrealistic side characters who will do their best to make Philip conform to their standards. Then again, sometimes there is only one person who can truly help a man become the person others want him to be, his mother, Katherine. Now Philip will learn one of the most powerful lessons of all, sometimes when there is no instructional manual for life, you just have to let others make it up for you.
Starring: Jason Segel, Jennifer Aniston, Will Smith, and Doris Roberts as Mother Yodelman.
Tagline: Your Answer Must be in the Form of a Fist
Synopsis: When quiz bowl genius Harry Chang comes to the United States to compete on a famous trivia show he gets more than he bargains for. Now caught between the mafia and the FBI Chang must use his knowledge and his accidental martial arts skills to stay one step ahead of the competition. Come see Jackie Chan as you haven’t seen him in years. Thanks to some shady offshore banking technicalities you can once again watch this serious Chinese actor portray yet another two-dimensional stereotype who is really good at kicking people. So, come join us for a game of mediocre intrigue and shallow plot points punctuated by thrilling displays of martial arts. Mr. Chang, must make the biggest wager of his life, because if he fails he will truly find himself in… final jeopardy.
Starring: Jackie Chan, John Leguizamo, Samantha Matis, and Alex Treback as himself.
Fantastic Four: Never Stop Trying
Tagline: You Know You’ll See it Anyway…
Synopsis: A reboot of the edgy 2015 movie that was already a reboot of the lighter 2005 film franchise about a four friends who have been granted cosmic powers. Come witness the action and suspense of the same damn origin story and scenes you have seen at least two times before, with characters that haven’t been interesting since the 70’s. When Reed, Sue, Johnny, and Ben Grimm get their powers a whole new world is opened up for them, and that world is the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Because, let’s face it, we give up… You win Marvel… We too want a little of that sweet sweet superhero money. So, we have finally figured out that if you can’t beat ’em you might as well join them, which is exactly what the Fantastic Four think when they are forced to team up with the Avengers in order to make all the money there is at the box office for one weekend out of the year…
Starring: Tom Hardy, Chris Pine, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Lawrence, and Liam Neeson as Stan Lee.
Saved by the Bell
Tagline: Time to Get to Class
Synopsis: Join Zach, AC, Screech, Lisa, Kelly, Jesse, and Mr. Belding in this updated version of the classic early 90’s sitcom. When Bayside High School is threatened to be shut down by the school board instead of their rival high school, Valley, can six completely separate students come together as friends to stop this terrible event and win the big game. It all rests on the shoulders of Zach and the gang to save the school and form a friendship that will last forever… or at least until the end of high school. So come relive your Saturday mornings in the 90’s, because good times never end when you’re saved by the bell.
Starring: Alexander Ludwig, Taylor Lautner, Michael Cera, Selena Gomez, Anna Kendrick, Emma Stone, and Dennis Haskins as Mr. Belding.
Tagline: Because That’s All You Want to See
Synopsis: Director Michael Bay brings to life his newest vision for the screen in this heart warming, non-stop action packed, laugh out loud, thrill a minute, overdone, movie. Kurt Dumfrey is an ex-navy seal explosives expert who retired to run a dynamite factory. Unfortunately his quiet ordinary life is about to be interrupted by an uprising of robotic creatures with only one agenda, fiery death. The perfect killing machines, their sole purpose is to explode, sometimes for no particular reason. Only retired Colonel Dumfrey can stop this technological menace, by blowing them up first. If you think you have seen things blow up before then you haven’t seen Explosions.
Starring: Jason Statham, Shia LaBeouf, Rhianna, and John Travolata as Major General Walter “Short Fuse” Stackhouse