GM: Dr. Benjamin son of Car and the wizard, Trump the Best, make their way to the mayor’s former house where the body is being kept on display as per the town’s tradition. Clintina arrives a few moments later and the group enters together to inspect the body.
CLINTON: What was the results of that poll I ran from talking to all the citizens?
GM: The Gather Information check? You found out that most people know that the Lord Mayor had publicly squabbled with the captain of the guard a few days before his death. You also found out that the citizens trust you more than Trump the Best, but not as much as Bernie the Elf Ranger, especially on the Internet. You also found out that the citizens are looking for someone to reform the criminal justice system of the village, but they are not sure if you’re the party member best suited to fill that role. Are you going to share any that information with the rest of the group?
CLINTON: I would but I like keeping all my communications private.
CARSON: I take out my knife. I want to autopsy the body.
GM: Why don’t you manually inspect the body before you start cutting things. Everyone roll a search check.
TRUMP: <Rolls a d20.> 18
CARSON: <Rolls a d20.> 6
CLINTON: <Rolls a d20.> 10
GM: Mr. Trump, you notice a puncture wound near the heart. It looks like it could be the result of a crossbow bolt.
TRUMP: “See, it’s obvious this man was killed by a crossbow, possibly from some dirty border jumping Orca.” I am getting tired of winning at this game.
CLINTON: “This is exactly why, according to recent polling, I have begun to believe that we need stricter background checks for crossbow ownership.”
TRUMP: “What? What are you crazy? Your lady parts must be affecting your brain. If you make crossbows illegal only criminals are going to have crossbows. This probably never would happened if this Lord Mayor guy was carrying his own crossbow. That’s just common sense. Next you’re going to want to start taking away people’s right to bear knives. Then how are my people going to cut my steak for me?”
CLINTON: “I am not talking about taking away people’s crossbows. I just want to make sure people register their crossbows and purchase them legally. This is a deeply held stance that I have believed, since I lost in 2008.”
CARSON: While they’re arguing, I want to take out my knife and start autopsying this body. Uhh… what do I need to roll for that? Not that I don’t know. I just want to make sure you know.
GM: I guess you can use your survival skill to skin the body and extract the internal organs.
CARSON: I have a -1 in that skill, but this sheet also says I have a +4 when I use my knife to attack. Can’t I just use that?
GM: That’s your attack bonus. I don’t think you want to attack the…
CARSON: Yes. Yes, I want to attack this autopsy like the skilled doctor I am. <Rolls a d20.> I got a 17.
GM: You start ferociously attacking the corpse of the dead mayor, stabbing it over and over again.
TRUMP: Look at this guy I’m surrounded by idiots and women.
GM: The door to the house opens up and three guards come walking in.
GM (Guard 1): “Hey! What are you doing? Stop desecrating the mayor’s corpse?”
CARSON: “It is okay. I am a doctor.”
GM: The guards draw their swords and start advancing on the three of you.
CLINTON: “Dear town guardsmen. I respect the noble police profession and you three as heroes and citizens of Washing Town. I know you have gotten a bad reputation lately because of how you have been treating minorities, but because I am also down with the rap music and the kids of today I know I am in the best position to bridge the divide that has arisen between the public and the guardsmen of today’s…”
TRUMP: It says here I have a spell called magic missile. I like the sound of this one. What does that do?
GM: At your level, about 1d4+2 damage to your target.
TRUMP Perfect. I also respect the police, but I’m a man of action. Let’s nuke the bastards. Bam. I cast magic missile.
GM: The bolts of magical energy lance out and catch the lead guard. He shudders and drops. The other two guards freeze in their tracks and run back out the door calling for reinforcements.
TRUMP: I win again.
CARSON: What did I learn form my autopsy?
GM: That you can stab a dead man many times, even after rigor has set in.
CARSON: Of course, of course. I knew that. I know many things, like things about the economy and Afghanistan.
GM: Let’s shift gears and see how Senator Cruz is doing. Senator, you find yourself walking through the center of the village. It is dusk, but there are still many people out and about.
CRUZ: I want to approach the first woman I see.
GM: You see a lovely and buxom woman who is carrying a small basket of bread through the town square. She looks as if she is heading home for the night.
CRUZ: I approach her. “Now, young lady. I know you can’t help but notice my feathery soft hair or doleful blue eyes, but I want to talk to you tonight about another kind of love. It is the love that the Lord Lesus has for his people.” As I talk, I put a firm and reassuring hand on her shoulder, letting it slip ever so gently down her back. <Rolls a d20.>
GM: You got an 8 for your Diplomacy. So she stops what she is doing, but she still looks doubtful about your intentions, because quite frankly who can blame her at this point. “Holy Priest,” she says. “I am but a simple woman. I worship the lord of Pelor, the lord of light. I do not know of this Lesus, of whom you speak.”
CRUZ: “Well he knows you and he loves you.” I move my muscular body closer to hers so she can feel the heat coming off of it. “If you have time, I would very much like to show you his love.” I’ll slide my hand further down her back and role my Diplomacy again. <Rolls a d20.> I got a 6.
GM: Well, I am surprisingly uncomfortable. The woman takes a forceful step back and says, “I really need to be getting home. My husband is waiting for me.”
CRUZ: I would like to Sense Motive. <Rolls a d20> 14
GM: Since I am assuming this happens to you a lot I am going to give you a +2 bonus making your total a 16, and you can tell that she is lying.
CRUZ: “You know, lying is a sin, young lady. You do not have a husband.”
GM: She starts to cry. “Yes, it is true. I am an outcast in this village because you see my love is considered wrong by many of the villagers. I am in love with an elf, and many of my fellow townspeople do not approve.”
CRUZ: “Lesus loves all people, regardless of who they love. I am sure he will smile on your union…”
GM: She smiles up at you through tears. “Do you really think so. I cannot wait till I tell my partner. She will be so happy to hear that…”
CRUZ:” Whoa, wait. She. You did not say you were a lesbian. No, young lady, unfortunately, the Lord Lesus cannot abide that sort of love and neither can I. It is wrong and against the will of God. I am afraid you are going to burn in the fires of hell and damnation.”
GM: She starts crying again.
CRUZ: “Now, do not cry. There is a way to be saved. You need to turn away from this evil path and back to righteousness. Lesus and his father look kindly on those who repent their sins. In fact, if you are serious about finding redemption, I have a room at the local inn where we can seek that redemption together.”
GM: She looks up at you and she shakes her head and runs off.
CRUZ: You know it is amazing how many women I meet which turn out to be lesbian.
GM: Yeah, I bet that happened a lot to you, especially in college.
CRUZ: The world is just strife with sin.
GM: You notice a crowd is gathering. At the center is Bernie the Elf Ranger. It looks as if more and more people are flocking to hear him speak about income inequality. Senator Sanders, please let us know what you would say to these gathered people and roll your Diplomacy.
SANDERS: “I would just like to say that I believe in private merchants that thrive and invest and grow in Washing Town. These are the merchants that create jobs and apprenticeships rather than shut down and move to low-wage labor abroad. I also believe that most villagers can pay lower taxes if wealthy lords and hedge fund managers finally start paying the taxes that they should. I don’t believe in special treatment for the top 1 percent, but I do believe in equal treatment for elves, dwarves, and even goblins.” <Rolls a d20.> What did I get.
GM: A 19. The crowd is eating out of the palm of your hand.
CRUZ: Are there any ladies in the crowd that look like they can use some spiritual counseling?
GM: Yes there are, but at that moment Trump the Best, Clintina of the Hill, and Dr. Benjamin son of Car arrive as well.
CLINTON: I want to push my way to the front of the crowd, and tell them, “I also believe in all those things, except better. I’m the sister of dragons, and you know nothing Jon Snow, because a Bannister always pays their debts, and other hip youth sayings.” (Rolls a d20.> 19. Ha.
TRUMP: Can you believe this. This if ridiculous. Of course everyone is here to see me. I step to the front of the crowd. “People, your real problem here is Orca. They are sneaking into this village. They say its only the women and children, but that’s not what I’ve seen. I mean have you ever seen any of these supposed women or children? No. All these guys are big muscular men. We need to stop letting anyone with green skin into this town. What we really need is a wall.”
GM (Villager #1): This is a medieval town. We already have a wall.
GM (Villager #2): It goes around the entire village. It keeps out bandits.
TRUMP: “What that little thing. that’s ridiculous. I can build a better, maybe even a magic wall. Yeah a magic wall of gold, and I have a plan to make those Orca pay for it. What I’m saying is that together, we can make Washing Town great again.” <Rolls a d20> 19. Boom.
CARSON: I step up and roll the dice. <Rolls a d20> I got a 17. Does that mean I sunk your battleship?
CRUZ: Well I push my way to the front too and say, “Gentle townsfolk. The Lord has called me to rid the land of sin and make this village strong again. If we follow his plan and put faith in his words and my words then we will prosper.” Then I smile at the women in the crowd with my perfect white teeth. <Rolls a d20.> I got an 18.
GM: The crowd listens to all of you in turn and then starts arguing among themselves, unsure of who is right and who they should follow. Within minutes a fight breaks out as a Trump supporter tries to strangle an elf in the back row, then it all turns to pandemonium. Arguing turns to yelling which soon turns to thrown punches. Windows break and boards snap around the town square as the crowd wrestles and people are thrown or trampled in the chaos. A cadre of town guards arrive and point their swords at you. The leader says, “That’s them. That’s the group that killed Guardsmen Bartholomew.” The company of armed men advance toward you but get swept up in the riot. The village of Washing Town has turned to utter madness.
BUSH (walking back in): I want to use the Song of Deep Slumber.
GM: Turtle the Bard suddenly appears, lute in hand. He begins to play a soulful tune of sleep and dreams. Many in the crowd begin to slow in their rioting as their eyelids grow heavy, but not all are affected by the spell. Suddenly, a guardsmen near turtle rears his sword <Rolls a d20> and attacks Turtle when he is not looking. <Rolls for damage,> and Turtle is dead.
BUSH: What? I’m dead. You mean, I’m no longer in the game?
GM: In truth Governor, at this point it was probably a mercy kill. Good try though.
BUSH (walking out): I’m done with this. I’m done with all of it.
GM: With the Song of Slumber halted the rest of the crowd now turns their wrath on the rest of you.
SANDERS: Hillary, it might be time for some of that “Restrained and Appropriate Anger.”
TRUMP (getting up): Nope. I’m done too. This is stupid. You know nothing? You are nothing. I mean look at you, sitting their holding your dice and your books. You’re a nerd. You can’t tell me what I can do. I’m leaving. I’m getting a coffee, anyone else want to join me.
CLINTON (stands): I could go for a cappuccino, according to my media people, drinking cappuccino makes me appear more trendy then regular coffee.
TRUMP: Sure fine whatever. Let’s go.
CRUZ (stands): This game was created by the devil, and I didn’t even get to meet any good women.
CARSON (stands): I enjoyed myself, because I enjoy many things, like wallpaper and playing cards. I also enjoy coffee and international relations.
SANDERS (stands): I don’t think we accomplished the goal of the game.
GM: Not even close.
SANDERS: Welcome to politics, kid. I’m ready for some coffee, but none of that Starbucks crap. It gives me agida.
(The five Presidential hopefuls walk out of the room.)
GM: Well, thanks for tuning in to this year’s Party Politics. On the whole this has been a frustrating, pointless, and depressing waste of time, but when all is said and done, it’s still not the worst game of D&D we have ever played here. Good night and Lesus bless you all.
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This account has been one of fiction. All names have been changed to protect the innocent D&D characters involved in this incident.